Get your Expartner back

Finding, keeping or getting back your Dream Partner


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Expartner Back

Finding & keeping or getting back your DreamPartner

Everybody knows the end of all fairy tales:”…and they lived happily every after…”. Or what about popular love movies or stories? In most of them, there were two people who loved each other, there were lots of problems they had to solve, but at the end, everything was ok, they kissed or married or whatever else…

Happy relationship? It is not like in fairy tales or movies…. but it is possible to achieve it for most of us!

Unfortunately, most people really believe, that if you fall in love with somebody, it means that this will last without any effort whole life…like in fairy tales. But this is not true. Reality is, that if you want to have happy relationship, you have to work for that. You have to put into your relationship energy, effort, sacrifice, forgiveness, desire, readiness to start again and again, you have to construct and demolish, transform and change and, of course, love! Do you thing it is pretty much? Yes, it is. But if you want to experience something extraordinary, your endeavour should be the same. The universal laws work everywhere. Your energy, commitment and attention are the elements, which make the things flourish and grow. Every human being is capable to create something beautiful and extraordinary- I am not speaking about top artists and scientists! I am speaking also about you, reader of this page!

Imagine, that you have found your dream job. This is your exciting first day at work. Would you think like that: “ O, everything is now perfect, I have achieved what I had always wanted and from now on I don’t have to strive anymore”…??? Of course not! It is ridiculous! You will more probably think: “ I am so grateful for this chance, I will do my best!” Yes, to do your best. This is what happy relationship is calling for.

To do your best doesn’t mean to do everything perfect! We all are human beings. We produce every day lots of mistakes. This is natural and normal. The problem is not to make a mistake; the problem is not trying to fix it. We don’t have to be scared to make a mistake and then say sorry to our partner. To say sorry means to sacrifice our self-importance to something higher- to harmony of our relationship.

My partner left me! Few tips how to transform your pain.

  • No farewell is forever. Life gives us new chances again and again. Don't be impatient. Concentrate for certain time on yourself, your own life and development! Physical, psychical and spiritual. Even if your beloved partner died, there is no goodbye forever. You can meet him/her (if you desire it strongly) in the next life!
  • Suffering helps us to evolve. Because of the intense pressure and pain, we have motivation to move, to do something. We want a change.Transform your pain into something positive. Use it as an engine for your further personal development! Many people said, that suffering was a blessing, which changed their life!
  • Don't blame others for the current situation! It won't help you. Of course, you are not the only one, who made mistakes and is fully responsible for the situation! Nobody is perfect. Only those people, who take full responsibility for their actions or non-actions, for their emotions and reactions, can manage the situation and find a solution.
  • Maybe you cannot influence, what had happened. But you can influence, how you will react! You can decide to use it for your development, or you can stuck yourself in blames and regrets! Do, what you can do, change, what you can change and everything else just let go. The life will be happier, if you can see on the white paper the white paper, not only that smaller or bigger black dot in the right corner…

When we face a problem in our relationship, we have to ask ourselves the basic question- which actions/non-actions from my side caused the problem? If you are able to evaluate rationally your weaknesses in character and way of life, you have the chance to change them. But if you see just the mistakes of your partner, which caused the situation, you cannot move from the place where you are, the situation in your relationship get worse or, if you already broke with your partner, you will carry your problems to next relationships! According to many researches, we tend to attract the similar type of the partner and we tend to have also similar problems in our relationships!
To find the source of the problem is to be on a halfway to solve it!

So, it is the time to do your personal clean up! To do it properly, you will need a pen and the courage to be honest and open. Please, be rational, this is not the court and you are not a criminal! You are just a person, who wants to move forward and find source of your problems. And for that, you need to get rid of things, which hinder you.
Please, draw the following tab on paper and fill it in as accurately as possible. Fill in the middle column first. Then imagine that it is your dear friend who has problems and you are the one who is giving him a counsel. Only then fill the third column. The tab is just for your information and nobody will see it. Find some inspiration in two different examples below. First one is working relationship; second already ended.


The place of the probable origin of the problem:

My notes- how do I see the situation of myself:

My comments, or how can I change the problem/ improve the situation:


Family

Parent’s relationship- problems they face
Parents are married for almost 40 years, they still love each other. Mum is dominant, quarrelling a lot with dad. He is introvert, sometimes pretending not to hear what she’s saying.
There was not much respect towards my dad, so maybe that’s why I wanted some more assertive man…
Relationship me vs. my mother
Open and excellent
Relationship me vs. my father
Neutral, we don’t have much to speak about together
Some other situation in a family (relationships to step- parents…)
No
My childhood
Generally fine, what is pity, that my parents didn’t support me to try new things, be more assertive, I haven’t fulfilled many of my dreams because I felt not confident to do it…
I am a big girl now, I can realize my dreams now ☺

Previous relationships

Relationship with V…
Short, we didn’t have much in common, ended before we came closer…
I don’t like such relationships, I need my partner is my friend!
Relationship with ……………
Relationship with ……………
Relationship with ……………

Current relationship (or most important relationship)

With my husband, being together 12 years
What do you like on your partner, which qualities you love?
Calmness, stability and strength, love towards me and kids
What you don’t like on your partner, which qualities irritate you?
He has to have true always, doesn’t need to talk with me, I have to ask for that!
In fact, many times it is also your fault- throw away your pride, go and ask him to speak with you!!!
Which qualities prevail- good or bad?
Definitely good!
Which qualities you give to the relationship are the best, which improve it?
Good and clear emotions towards my family, always do my best
Which qualities you give to the relationship are the worst, which destroy it?
My complaining, blaming for small things
Stop begging for attention, be strong! Do things without expecting ovations…
Which qualities prevail- good or bad?
I think the good ones!
Prevailing way of communication with partner- evaluate from 1 to 5(1-best and 5 is worst) and briefly describe
Examples- Open? Loving? Friendly? Full of trust? Do you have to think how and when to say things? Do you speak just about routine things? Do you speak only if it is necessary?
2- we share feelings, speak openly about everything, but sometimes he is so busy, that there is no space for that
You should speak with him about this, but without blaming him…
Fights, quarrels in relationship, main topic of your quarrels
I think we quarrel a lot, but for nothing, unimportant things. I think we don’t hurt each other much, not saying disrespectful statements or invectives.
If those things are so small issues, why am I so angry? I should take deeper look on what in fact irritates me….
Imagine, that your partner is listening very carefully now, s/he is prepared to change himself/herself, what would you say to him/her?
Please, be more present in our family life. You got little bit lost in work, in computer and mobile world, doing something important, what is not important. Satisfying life goes beyond your attention now.
Try to prepare more activities for whole family. I’m sure he won’t refuse that.
Imagine now, that you are your partner, defend yourself and say his/her point of view
I do my best. I have to work a lot, because this is my position now. And I like my job, I’m learning a lot and this is just part of our life and because of that we have enough money and you can do whatever you want…
I have no clue for that, because both sides are right???

The place of the probable origin of the problem:

My notes- how do I see the situation of myself:

My comments, or how can I change the problem/ improve the situation:


Family

Parent’s relationship- problems they face
Relationship wasn’t good since I remember, quarrels, blaming each other, living in separate rooms, they didn’t divorce because they have no choice because of money…
No clue
Relationship me vs. my mother
I like her, but she irritates me, I blame her not to protect me when I was a child
Relationship me vs. my father
I don’t like him, he is dominant, I am afraid of him, he was so dominant when I was a child, he always criticized me, ruining my life
Some other situation in a family (relationships to step- parents…)
No
My childhood
Not good, my father ruined it with his criticism and domination over my whole life. And my mother was just watching that, doing nothing.
It is over; I should forget it and concentrate on my present life.

Previous relationships

Relationship with XY
Short relationship, I didn’t like his way of communication towards me, no respect, no care.
I don’t regret I ended it. Man has to respect women.
Relationship with ZZ
He was caring me very nicely, he loved me I think, but I couldn’t stand some of his bad habits like smoking
Now I see, I was too strict with him, I don’t know why he irritated me so much…
Relationship with ……………
Relationship with ……………

Current relationship (or most important relationship)

With my husband, being together 4 years, now we live separately, not divorced yet
What do you like on your partner, which qualities you love?
He was always good and calm person.
What you don’t like on your partner, which qualities irritate you?
He was not able to take proper care of his family, lazy, thinking just about sex.
Maybe I was too strict and impatient, didn’t try to help him, just criticised.
Which qualities prevail- good or bad?
Bad
Which qualities you give to the relationship are the best, which improve it?
I do every time what is needed and right.
Which qualities you give to the relationship are the worst, which destroy it?
I don’t know, maybe I am too critical towards him, demanding things, which I think are right.
That’s true, but how should I react instead of that? He wouldn’t t respect and listen to me.
Which qualities prevail- good or bad?
Good
Prevailing way of communication with partner- evaluate from 1 to 5(1-best and 5 is worst) and briefly describe
Open? Loving? Friendly? Full of trust? Do you have to think how and when to say things? Do you speak just about routine things? Do you speak only if it is necessary?
5- we are not able to speak normally to each other, he is not listening what am saying, I have to shout every time I am with him!
Maybe we need professional help! But how Would I convince him to go with me??
Fights, quarrels in relationship, main topic of your quarrels
There were not many quarrels between us. Every time I started to speak about some problem, he left the room or house. Didn’t anything, not listening. It was so frustrating. He had no interest in solving problems! Main topics were money and his job.
I have no clue how to speak to him so that he will listen!
So I have to find somebody who can give me a counsel.
Imagine, that your partner is listening very carefully now, s/he is prepared to change himself/herself, what would you say to him/her?
Why you didn’t listen to me before? You’ve spoiled our marriage by your passivity and ignorance. Change your attitude to work and start to do something!
I should try to speak to him again, without anger.
Imagine now, that you are your partner, defend yourself and say his/her point of view
I don’t know what to say, I am like this and I don’t understand, what do you want from me. We can start again if you want…
He is so passive every time. So frustrating!

If you finish the tab, put it aside and look into it next day. If you wish to improve your relationship or see mistakes more clearly, you will find in the tab plenty of material to think about. Maybe you ask, why should it be you, who must change? Why not him/her? The answer is: “Because it is you, who would love to have happy relationship! And if you do the first step, your partner will do the next.”
Now, try to answer yourself several questions:

Is there any similarity between my parents’ relationship and my own relationship (is my behaviour in relationship similar to my mother/father)? How did the behaviour of my mother influence the behaviour of my father (and vice versa)? If there is similarity, is it good or bad for my relationship? Have my all relationships something in common? Can I see some pattern, which I follow in terms of communication with my partners? Do I really have to behave the way in which I behave? Why am I so sure that my point of view is the best one? Is there any better or more effective way how to behave? Do I know in my neighbourhood or among my friends and family some happy couple? What is their philosophy? How do they behave to each other?

© Daghan-Malenky GmbH / Fotos istockphoto.com / Anna Bryukhanova / Pavol Malenky
Translated from: Expartner Zurueck

Are you having problems with you love life? Is there many fights and harmony is fading away? Or did your relationship already ended and you feel empty and desperate? Often, these problems can be fixed. But you need professional help. We can help to repair your relationship! We can analyze, if there is a way to harmony or if it is better to let it go and find better partner. Please call us we are looking forward to helping you.

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