Living with a dream partner
My relationship began as a friendship. The difference between friendship and romance is, that in friendship you don't have to show just you beautiful and good face, but you can express what you feel and who you are. So, the friendship is more democratic, there is more freedom for both sides. And my friendship helped me to discover also my future husband's weaknesses, which irritated me, but in fact, I was ok with them…
First wedding is of course connected with many romantic imaginations, for example, how will partner change in a good sense, only because he loves me…and if he truly loves me, he has to prove it and therefore he has to know, what is in my head, what I think and what I wish…and he will, from this true love, do it! I soon realized (after some romantic pain of my heart), that this is not true. And thanks to my opinion, that one man is enough for whole life, in order to stay with him my whole life, I had to change my expectations and actions.
I have realized, that what is missing in my romantic opinion, is respect. To expect other human being to do exactly what I want is not respect. It is not even freedom, but slavery. My partner is not my dog. He is free human being and he doesn't have to obey no one, but himself!
This new opinion didn't stay just in a form of theory; I had to prove it also in practice. My husband always wished to travel, to visit distance places. And suddenly, he had possibility to go for several months to China. Without me. My heart was broken. I loved him so much, that I couldn't be without him one day. But despite that, I supported him and let him go without blaming him or trying him to feel guilty. After his departure two things happened. First: I gained my self-esteem and my husband had after three months realized, that he didn't want to be without me and he came home.
I sometimes wonder, how can we love each other, when we are so different. My main hobby and life style is my spiritual life. I am wondering, why I am here and want to know things behind. My husband is more pragmatic, he likes material world, he is curious like a baby, how things work and why and he is able to fix everything. But somehow we can meet in the middle, do things together, plan our future, raise children, travel, laugh and make jokes.
To make a relationship work in a happy way is basic level. But to have good relationship with two small kids, this is higher level. Duties concerning childcare have no end. Attention is focused on children. This is for me the test of my marriage. We both feel the lack of privacy, moments dedicated to us have to wait till are our kids sleeping. Lack of sleep means lack of interest in intimacy. Without proper sleep you become a robot doing basic things, which are needed. Despite all of these circumstances, there is still something behind it. A basic idea of our partnership…. Why it is good to be together, to grow together, to dream together. Marriage has to have some reason why it exists, some goal, which it can follow. This is similar to successful business. To be together because we love each other and feel attracted by partner is not enough. I think, my marriage has such an idea- to create harmony of two really different souls, to learn from the partner, to create something beautiful, what is more than can be created by both of us being alone.
The happiness in marriage is more about small things than big deeds. It is about saying words of love every day, being interested how does your partner feel today and why, what he thinks and why. It is also about taking deep breath while your partner is hurting you and not hurting back. Just stay in silence and forgive. It is about give him small graces like to bring him a tea while is sitting on sofa or bake his favourite cake. Or it is about being brave enough to say that you don't like how he behaves towards you or what is he doing, but to stay calm and loving.
The relationship is not healthy, when one has to count what his partner is giving to him and what he gives to her. And realizing, that you are giving more than you are receiving. Then, you are balancing on the edge and your partner can easily become your ex-partner! Relationship is not a shop and it hasn't aim to sell and buy. It is more about free flow of feelings from one side to another.
It is easy to write something nice, but it is harder to do it in real life, if you feel anger or jealousy. It is not easy to change behaviour patterns, which we have practised for many years, maybe decades. It needs patience and exercise. And will to do it. The reward is then gorgeous- deep and intimate relationship, space where you can express yourself and where you find support to become what you wish to become. Because you can have happy and beautiful relationship only if the relationship with you beloved is not the aim of your life! Only when it is just a base for your both, harbour where both of you can return to find support and love. Because relationship is not an entertainer, whose job is to offer you entertainment, your partner is not your servant whose job is to please you 24 hours a day! It is rather a fellowship of two free beings, which enjoy being together and are able to fight for this happy freedom by changing themselves and sacrificing their egos.