how to create really healthy relationship:
Sometimes, harmony in our relationship suddenly fades away and we don't know why. And problem doesn't have to be the certain qualities or personality of you or your partner. Sometimes is problem “just" in our attitude. If we are able to change the perception and see the situation in different &/or wider perspective, we win! Small step like understanding and accepting the different point of view can make a big difference. And maybe we will realise, with surprise, that harmony is back even without changing the situation!
1. Be aware that life is a change. Whole universe is in unceasing movement. Atoms, planets, our body... Your development and development of your partner doesn't stop on your wedding day! You and your partner are in permanent change. What was valid 5 years ago can now be completely different. So, it is better to try to be a part of this change. You can both change together, evolve together, dance through the life hand in hand :-)
2. Communicate your feelings properly. To blame the partner for your unhappiness or sadness in anger is the worst way how to show your feelings. In fact, nobody can be the source of your emotions. It is because emotions are a personal creation and decision of every human being, they spring from within. Some wise people believe that emotion is a result of our thoughts. If we suppose that action of our partner is influenced by his inner state of mind, if we understand the structure of partner's thoughts and his motives, we will understand also his actions and we will find empathy and forgiveness. We don't have to agree with our partner, we just try to understand him/her. And our feelings? We can speak about them in a way:” I feel alone, sad, angry, because....”
3. Speak positively, be grateful. You don't have to tell your partner I love you hundred times a day. In fact, too much of attention is not good. There are better ways how to say I love you: to show your interest in your partner's feelings, ask his/her opinion, cook his/her favorite food, praise something he/she has done well... Words are not important, important is your positive feeling towards your partner. Being grateful is also a strong tool. Your partner is not obliged to do anything for you. He/she does it because he/she wants to....so you have one more reason to think positively about your partner…To speak positively also means to avoid correcting and criticising of your partner, especially in a public!
4. Respect his/her freedom. If you really respect somebody, you don’t ask him/her to be 24 hours a day with you or to react to every single question/desire of yours. Your partner is free being and if you accept this and give him/her space to leave you, in fact you create most powerful tool, how to attract him/her! Be aware, that every human being has weaknesses and makes mistakes....several mistakes every day... Our behaviour is a combination of our life experience, character, opinion, abilities, health, state of mind etc. Our decisions are the result of this combination. If we realize this, it is easier for us to accept also different opinion or behaviour than ours.
5. Find something that you can both enjoy together. Walks in a forest, dance classes, watching ice-hockey on TV, travelling, charity...there are thousands possibilities and I am sure you can find many enjoyable activities, if you want…Spending time together creates relaxing environment, happy memories and positive emoitons, which will charge your relationship with energy for difficult times.
6. Find something that inspires you and makes you happy. This is just about you. Everybody should find something what he/she can call “meaning of my life”, something that charges him/her with energy, brings satisfaction. It can be an activity like some sport, or a vision to help poor kids. This “something” takes you from your partner to other realms and then, you return back more happy, full of energy, motivated and prepared to share your feelings!
7. Do not be addicted. Being with a perfect partner is a dream of all of us. Being in harmony, enjoying each other, being accepted, understood and loved is the basic human need. But if we start to be too dependant on our partner and we are happy only if s/he is doing the things which are "right and appropriate", then we start to spoil our relationship and harmony disappears. Even the best relationship should not be the meaning of our life. If we think so, we are addicted and sooner or later problems appear. So, find a way, how to keep your freedom for you, and you will keep also balance of your relationship.
8. Spiritual activities like meditation, introspection, prayer, reading of spiritual books, desire to be worthy human being brings you closer to understanding who you are, who you want to be, what is the meaning of this life...but also closer to other human beings...closer to your partner. Spiritual work relaxes the mind, removes inner barriers and brings better knowledge who we are and why we behave in certain way. It helps us to forgive and give new chance to us and also to our partners. So, find time everyday for a short meditation and reading something positive and uplifting. With positive attitude and behaviour, you create also positive relationship.
Listen to your partner carefully
One of the basic things, which will make your relationship strong and balanced, is good communication. Good communication is not just about sharing of your feelings and needs. It is also about careful listening to your partner. Many people think they can listen carefully and they are surprised, when they realise, that they can't! Here are some most frequent mistakes people do, when they are in conversation with others: they pretend, that they are listening, but their thoughts are somewhere else, they interrupt others or finish their sentences to show, that they know, what the other wants to say, they start to do other things, while other is speaking (watering flowers, playing with keys), they're planning the answer, while the other is speaking, etc… One of the basic human needs is to be loved and accepted. When you listen carefully, with you full attention, you are showing your partner, how important s/he is for you and how important is, what s/he feels, says or wants. You don't have to obey your partner or always agree with him/her. Many times, s/he is not complaining or sharing a problem with you in order to have solution or agreement. Many times, s/he just want to be understood. This simple act of your full presence and listening will give him/her this feeling and many problems will be solved automatically.
Check partner’s relationships
& you will know him better in a short time!
You look at your partner through the actual state of being in love! This image, however beautiful, is not real. Actually, you project into him/her what you want to see. More healthy than this is to bring a common sense into whole situation and find out more about him/her. How to do that? Look at his/her relationships with others and you will see, how could possibly evolve your relationship in the future! But, nothing is certain. Every situation can be changed or improved, if you both have desire to do so!
PARENTS Observe her/his relationship with his parents, what is good, where are some problems, how does s/he speak about parents? Observe parent’s relationship, their values, priorities. Be aware that these two people influenced and formed your partner during the most important part of our life- during the childhood. Be aware, that your partner follows unconsciously their example and patterns.
FRIENDS Know better his/her friends. We choose for friends those people, who are similar to us, our way of life, values or priorities. You can observe them very well, because you are not emotionally involved with them and therefore you can see them as they really are. And from this observation you can get many information about your partner.
EX PARTNERS How does s/he speak about his/her ex partners? Can you feel there still some emotions, especially strong dislike, blaming, injuring words? This can be a signal, that s/he is stacked in the past and therefore is this relationship still present in his/her life. The problem is, that this can sooner or later negatively influence your present relationship. Be aware of this and try to help him/her to let it go.
RELATIONSHIPS How does s/he speak about relationships of his/her friends or what is his/her opinion about relationships in general? His/her attitudes and beliefs show you, how s/he is going to behave in your relationship.